moonparty | TFLN

1. I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties

2. I just found my compact after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.

3. Don't ask but I need a priestess, a cake, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos. And nachos.

4. Wildcard!

1. When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.

2. The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want the insides of a shrimp taco in a cup. I think that would make my life complete.

3. I woke up with nothing but a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.

4. Wildcard!

1) If I die, bedazzle my coffin please.

2) I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.

3) See? And now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook-ups.

4) ( text her! )

1) It's 8pm, I've already showered and gotten in bed. If you wanted to make plans, you should have asked 3 months in advance.

2) I studied geography, I know this very well! How dare you question my authority on glacial deposition!

3) When you called me, I asked, "Did you make it home?" and you said, "Yeah." You then proceeded to say you didn't know where you were. I informed you that you said you were at home, and you said, "But where?" I told you that you were in the bathroom, and then you said, "Oh, you're so smart."

4) ( text her! )

1) You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.

2) Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.

3) Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm a woman, right?!

4) ( text her! )

1. I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep her around a while.

2. I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.

3. The thought of you trying to procreate frightens and disgusts me!

4. (text her)

Who knew we'd make such a great team! We're TOTALLY gonna bring the vampire craze back in full force with this masterpiece!

1. Nothing like having your best mates watch you dry heave at the end of the night.

2. It's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.

3. You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.

4. I wouldn't call you in the middle of the night if you stopped sending me cute selfies right after I get off stage.

I just want to share how cute my selfies are and you're one of the few who appreciate them!

Am I the shark in this analogy?

If it fits! You're a danger to pretty girls who are swayed by your charm!

It's hard to believe no one else appreciates them!
These are quality selfies!!

HOW DID YOU KNOW I WAS IN THE BATHROOM IF YOU'RE NOT SUPER SMART

I believe you're mistaken.
I'm an innocent bystander who only happens to get caught in the wrong place at the wrong time.
A baby shark!
Harmless...for now.